'Hitting the Plane' (Chinese slang)

After reviewing Chinese and American holidays, I instructed my students to create their own holiday. As an example, I created National Play QQ Games Holiday. QQ is the Chinese version of AIM, Facebook, Twitter, and computer games combined. A lot of students copied my idea and created their own version of play video games day. There were also a slew of 'No Homework Day's, 'Sleeping Day's, 'Travel Day's and the like.

However, there was also another topic that was trending. As I walked around the room and checked in with my students to see what they were writing, I noticed that numerous boys included some version of airplanes in their holiday. There was 'playing with airplanes', 'writing messages on the plane', and 'find a girl to play with the plane'. This spanned two different Junior 2 (8th grade) classes.

So I asked my Chinese friend, does 'playing with the plane' mean something dirty in Chinese? She confirmed my suspicions. 打飞机 or 'hitting the plane' is slang for male masturbation in Chinese.

Aiya! My students are so bad!

So last week the students were given time in class to write about their new holiday. This week the students had to stand up and present their new holiday to the class. The first boy in my class to present this morning ended his speech by saying that "You can find a girl to help you hit your plane." All the boys put their heads down and giggled like little girls.

I immediately stood up and said, "I know what that means." All the boys who were previously giggling started to laugh uncontrollably. I continued "You will not talk about planes in my class or I will tell your Chinese teacher!"

A few more students went before I eventually called on a boy named Sam to present. Sam didn't go to the podium though. Instead, he walked over to me with his head down and said he couldn't go. He had crumpled his paper into a ball and was clenching it in his hand.

I made him give me his paper. I flatten it out and learned his holiday is called "International Hit Plane Day". I told him to sit down. I gave him a new piece of paper and told him to redo the assignment. This is what he had originally wrote:

International Hit Plane Day

This wonderful holiday is on November 11th. All boys around the world will celebrate it! On November 11, all boys around the world will be very excited. They will go to the street and hit their planes. All the girls will see them, also many boys will protect themselves. 

I have created this holiday because all boys old twos will show their endless energies. 

NOT only did this boy talk about hitting the plane, but he also said 'boy's old two'. 老二 or old two in Chinese can mean little brother. 'Little brother' is slang for penis in Chinese. And 玩老二 or playing with little brother is also slang for jerking off. The students know I don't speak Chinese, but they clearly have underestimated my common sense. A quick look at wikipedia here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandarin_Chinese_profanity tells you all you need to know about Chinese profanity.

At least Sam had some sense not to present his holiday after I chastised and threatened his class for being inappropriate. Not all students are so smart. A kid by the name of Toby actually presented his holiday, entitled 'National Planes Day'. It went as follows:

The day is coming before the Lover's Day [Valentine's Day]. People who have no girlfriend or boyfriend celebrate this day on the National Planes Day. You should make a lot of planes which are made from anything. You can write some sentences on it and throw it out. When a girl or a boy pick up the plane, you may celebrate the Lover's Day with that person together on the following day. You can only play your plane when you need a girlfriend.

maybe my 3rd graders have been watching rap videos?

While my Junior 1 students are uncreative and my second graders are adorable, my third graders would best be described as profane, and sometimes down right evil!

Let my first say that I had the class from hell today. From the minute I walked in the room, I could not get the third graders settled into their seats. They were loud and uncontrollable. I finally said in broken chinese "Do you want me to tell your Chinese teacher you are bad?" That got them quiet enough that I could begin my lesson.

There are about 35 students in class, so I am greatly outnumbered. I try to command the classroom by walking around. I confiscate the notes the kids write each other, Chinese books, comic books, math homework, drawings, toys, origami, improvised sling shots, the list goes on.... (I once made a third grade boy cry because I took away his drawing. To his credit it was really intricate and wound up being not just a picture, but a game between him and three of his classmates, with their scores and QQ numbers on it.)

Anyway, this afternoon the third graders were particularly bad. During class I walked down between two rows of students to see what the boys in the back were doing because they were most certainly not paying attention. It wound up causing more of a disturbance than it was worth. I turned my back towards one row of students, and apparently one of the boys thought that was an invitation to fake smack my butt. He didn't actually touch my butt, but he was fake hitting it, which caused quite a raucous among the class. How did I know he was fake smacking my butt? Two boys provided a reenactment, although I hadn't asked for one.

About fifteen minutes later, a boy from the back of the room ran up to tell me something, even though I ask all the kids to stay in their seats. He pointed to the kid that sits next to him and tells me that kid said "Fuck you teacher". In my head I was thinking "WHAT DID HE JUST SAY!?" but I calmly told the boy to sit down and be quiet. This was a third grade class so I'm sure the student didn't know what he was saying. Giving them a reaction would have just made it worse, but it took all my energy to not flip out, especially considering how loud and terrible the kids were all class. Seriously, I don't work in downtown Newark! I can't believe a third grader said that!

I don't know where my third graders learn English curse words, but I swear it's not from me!

Two weeks ago, in a different third grade class, a boy gave me the finger (its always the boys, isn't it?). This is not a customary gesture in China, so again, I'm not sure who taught him the Jersey bird. I ignored him the best I could. Later I caught him trying to show his friends what to do, but they weren't paying the best attention because they were sticking out their ring fingers- not their middle fingers.

I saw this class again last friday, and the same boy who flipped me off the week before gave me the finger again- but this time it was the ring finger. Kids are funny.

take action to protect the mice

I'm teaching my Junior 2 classes (8th graders) about movie genres and other movie vocabulary such as setting, plot, character, etc. After 3 weeks of lessons, I asked the students to use the words to make their own sentences. They were supposed to write about movies. The students were broken up into 14 pairs.  This is what they wrote for the word "action":

"The government has took action to reduce the pollution."
"We should take action to reduce the pollution."
"The Chinese government has took action the reduce the pollution"
"We should take action to reduce the pollution."
"The government takes action to reduce air pollution"
"We can take action to reduce the problem." 
"We take action to reduce the pollution."
"We should take action to protect the wild animals."

My favorite variation was:

"We should take action to protect the mice."

I didn't know the mice were in danger...

A couple students tried to incorporate other vocabulary words from our lesson into their sentences, but failed:

"We should took action to reduce the pollution in the theatre."
"We take action to protect the setting."

In defense of my teaching, I only see these students once a week for 40 minutes.

As for the repetition, the kids weren't cheating off each other! The students must have learned the sentence: "The government should take action to reduce pollution" from their Chinese English teachers. This is how Chinese students learn English. They learn entire sentences and are expected to regurgitate them verbatim. Therefore, they don't know how to use individual words properly or in a unique way to express their thoughts.

Other fun anecdotes from my movie lesson, include the fact that on a class survey, many students (8th graders!) wrote that the funniest actor they knew was "Tom and Jerry". Yes, the cartoon. And for the funniest movie, a popular response was "Mr. Bean", probably one of the worst movies ever made. Although while I've been in China, I've seen "Mr. Bean" shown on a bus, in the dentist's office, and at a bar. Chinese people really do love this movie, but I'll never understand why. Another bad movie that is insanely popular over here is "2012".

Warning: Do not try to "shush" the class!

The students in one of my second grade classes were being loud in class, so I put my finger up to my lips and said "Shhh". Anyone who was still paying attention at that point started giggling. Then kids started mimicking me, their hands went up to their faces, one finger over their lips "SHHH" "SHHH" SHHH", the laughter got louder. I thought to myself- what is so funny? I just want you to be quiet!

Weeks later, I was doing a lesson for my third graders on transportation. My students love to sing, so I decided to teach them "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round", complete with hand gestures, since that seems to really get their attention. Everything was going well.... "the baby on the bus goes wah, wah wah, all through the town.  The people on the bus go shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh" suddenly half the students weren't singing anymore, but laughing. A couple boys were standing up, pushing their hips forward, and pretending to pee!

Going "shhh" seems like such a natural way to get kids, or anyone really (think someone talking during the movies "SHH!") to quiet down. However, this is not universal. In China, mothers toilet train their children by saying "shhhhhh".  Mothers say this when they want their children to go to the bathroom. So to my students, I wasn't saying "be quiet!", instead I was essentially saying "go pee!"

I privately tutor a fourth grade girl. Her mother just gave birth in January to a baby girl. This past Sunday I was asking her if the baby cries a lot. She basically said that the baby just eats, sleeps, and "shhhh" then giggled. So, I think Chinese mothers basically start this "shhh"thing pretty early, like immediately. Although diapers are sold in China, they are only really used in the winter months. When its not freezing outside, you will catch sight of many bare bums. I've posted earlier about my love of Chinese babies in split pants. To that end, let me share with you an update- I finally captured a picture of the elusive baby butt! This was taken in the Chongqing airport and is quite possibly one of my favorite vacation pictures.

After relating my story about boys pretending to pee in the middle of class to a friend, she told me that even grown boys think "shhh" is funny. She told me that one night when she was out to eat with some Chinese friends, they were sitting in a booth, and one guy on the inside had to go the bathroom, but the boys wouldn't let him out. Instead they all went "shhhh". I guess it's like talking about the gushing water at Niagara Falls when someone has to go, only a hundred times worse because people have been conditioned here since infancy that "shhh"means pee. I only wish I knew this earlier!