'Hitting the Plane' (Chinese slang)

After reviewing Chinese and American holidays, I instructed my students to create their own holiday. As an example, I created National Play QQ Games Holiday. QQ is the Chinese version of AIM, Facebook, Twitter, and computer games combined. A lot of students copied my idea and created their own version of play video games day. There were also a slew of 'No Homework Day's, 'Sleeping Day's, 'Travel Day's and the like.

However, there was also another topic that was trending. As I walked around the room and checked in with my students to see what they were writing, I noticed that numerous boys included some version of airplanes in their holiday. There was 'playing with airplanes', 'writing messages on the plane', and 'find a girl to play with the plane'. This spanned two different Junior 2 (8th grade) classes.

So I asked my Chinese friend, does 'playing with the plane' mean something dirty in Chinese? She confirmed my suspicions. 打飞机 or 'hitting the plane' is slang for male masturbation in Chinese.

Aiya! My students are so bad!

So last week the students were given time in class to write about their new holiday. This week the students had to stand up and present their new holiday to the class. The first boy in my class to present this morning ended his speech by saying that "You can find a girl to help you hit your plane." All the boys put their heads down and giggled like little girls.

I immediately stood up and said, "I know what that means." All the boys who were previously giggling started to laugh uncontrollably. I continued "You will not talk about planes in my class or I will tell your Chinese teacher!"

A few more students went before I eventually called on a boy named Sam to present. Sam didn't go to the podium though. Instead, he walked over to me with his head down and said he couldn't go. He had crumpled his paper into a ball and was clenching it in his hand.

I made him give me his paper. I flatten it out and learned his holiday is called "International Hit Plane Day". I told him to sit down. I gave him a new piece of paper and told him to redo the assignment. This is what he had originally wrote:

International Hit Plane Day

This wonderful holiday is on November 11th. All boys around the world will celebrate it! On November 11, all boys around the world will be very excited. They will go to the street and hit their planes. All the girls will see them, also many boys will protect themselves. 

I have created this holiday because all boys old twos will show their endless energies. 

NOT only did this boy talk about hitting the plane, but he also said 'boy's old two'. 老二 or old two in Chinese can mean little brother. 'Little brother' is slang for penis in Chinese. And 玩老二 or playing with little brother is also slang for jerking off. The students know I don't speak Chinese, but they clearly have underestimated my common sense. A quick look at wikipedia here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandarin_Chinese_profanity tells you all you need to know about Chinese profanity.

At least Sam had some sense not to present his holiday after I chastised and threatened his class for being inappropriate. Not all students are so smart. A kid by the name of Toby actually presented his holiday, entitled 'National Planes Day'. It went as follows:

The day is coming before the Lover's Day [Valentine's Day]. People who have no girlfriend or boyfriend celebrate this day on the National Planes Day. You should make a lot of planes which are made from anything. You can write some sentences on it and throw it out. When a girl or a boy pick up the plane, you may celebrate the Lover's Day with that person together on the following day. You can only play your plane when you need a girlfriend.

maybe my 3rd graders have been watching rap videos?

While my Junior 1 students are uncreative and my second graders are adorable, my third graders would best be described as profane, and sometimes down right evil!

Let my first say that I had the class from hell today. From the minute I walked in the room, I could not get the third graders settled into their seats. They were loud and uncontrollable. I finally said in broken chinese "Do you want me to tell your Chinese teacher you are bad?" That got them quiet enough that I could begin my lesson.

There are about 35 students in class, so I am greatly outnumbered. I try to command the classroom by walking around. I confiscate the notes the kids write each other, Chinese books, comic books, math homework, drawings, toys, origami, improvised sling shots, the list goes on.... (I once made a third grade boy cry because I took away his drawing. To his credit it was really intricate and wound up being not just a picture, but a game between him and three of his classmates, with their scores and QQ numbers on it.)

Anyway, this afternoon the third graders were particularly bad. During class I walked down between two rows of students to see what the boys in the back were doing because they were most certainly not paying attention. It wound up causing more of a disturbance than it was worth. I turned my back towards one row of students, and apparently one of the boys thought that was an invitation to fake smack my butt. He didn't actually touch my butt, but he was fake hitting it, which caused quite a raucous among the class. How did I know he was fake smacking my butt? Two boys provided a reenactment, although I hadn't asked for one.

About fifteen minutes later, a boy from the back of the room ran up to tell me something, even though I ask all the kids to stay in their seats. He pointed to the kid that sits next to him and tells me that kid said "Fuck you teacher". In my head I was thinking "WHAT DID HE JUST SAY!?" but I calmly told the boy to sit down and be quiet. This was a third grade class so I'm sure the student didn't know what he was saying. Giving them a reaction would have just made it worse, but it took all my energy to not flip out, especially considering how loud and terrible the kids were all class. Seriously, I don't work in downtown Newark! I can't believe a third grader said that!

I don't know where my third graders learn English curse words, but I swear it's not from me!

Two weeks ago, in a different third grade class, a boy gave me the finger (its always the boys, isn't it?). This is not a customary gesture in China, so again, I'm not sure who taught him the Jersey bird. I ignored him the best I could. Later I caught him trying to show his friends what to do, but they weren't paying the best attention because they were sticking out their ring fingers- not their middle fingers.

I saw this class again last friday, and the same boy who flipped me off the week before gave me the finger again- but this time it was the ring finger. Kids are funny.

take action to protect the mice

I'm teaching my Junior 2 classes (8th graders) about movie genres and other movie vocabulary such as setting, plot, character, etc. After 3 weeks of lessons, I asked the students to use the words to make their own sentences. They were supposed to write about movies. The students were broken up into 14 pairs.  This is what they wrote for the word "action":

"The government has took action to reduce the pollution."
"We should take action to reduce the pollution."
"The Chinese government has took action the reduce the pollution"
"We should take action to reduce the pollution."
"The government takes action to reduce air pollution"
"We can take action to reduce the problem." 
"We take action to reduce the pollution."
"We should take action to protect the wild animals."

My favorite variation was:

"We should take action to protect the mice."

I didn't know the mice were in danger...

A couple students tried to incorporate other vocabulary words from our lesson into their sentences, but failed:

"We should took action to reduce the pollution in the theatre."
"We take action to protect the setting."

In defense of my teaching, I only see these students once a week for 40 minutes.

As for the repetition, the kids weren't cheating off each other! The students must have learned the sentence: "The government should take action to reduce pollution" from their Chinese English teachers. This is how Chinese students learn English. They learn entire sentences and are expected to regurgitate them verbatim. Therefore, they don't know how to use individual words properly or in a unique way to express their thoughts.

Other fun anecdotes from my movie lesson, include the fact that on a class survey, many students (8th graders!) wrote that the funniest actor they knew was "Tom and Jerry". Yes, the cartoon. And for the funniest movie, a popular response was "Mr. Bean", probably one of the worst movies ever made. Although while I've been in China, I've seen "Mr. Bean" shown on a bus, in the dentist's office, and at a bar. Chinese people really do love this movie, but I'll never understand why. Another bad movie that is insanely popular over here is "2012".

Warning: Do not try to "shush" the class!

The students in one of my second grade classes were being loud in class, so I put my finger up to my lips and said "Shhh". Anyone who was still paying attention at that point started giggling. Then kids started mimicking me, their hands went up to their faces, one finger over their lips "SHHH" "SHHH" SHHH", the laughter got louder. I thought to myself- what is so funny? I just want you to be quiet!

Weeks later, I was doing a lesson for my third graders on transportation. My students love to sing, so I decided to teach them "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round", complete with hand gestures, since that seems to really get their attention. Everything was going well.... "the baby on the bus goes wah, wah wah, all through the town.  The people on the bus go shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh" suddenly half the students weren't singing anymore, but laughing. A couple boys were standing up, pushing their hips forward, and pretending to pee!

Going "shhh" seems like such a natural way to get kids, or anyone really (think someone talking during the movies "SHH!") to quiet down. However, this is not universal. In China, mothers toilet train their children by saying "shhhhhh".  Mothers say this when they want their children to go to the bathroom. So to my students, I wasn't saying "be quiet!", instead I was essentially saying "go pee!"

I privately tutor a fourth grade girl. Her mother just gave birth in January to a baby girl. This past Sunday I was asking her if the baby cries a lot. She basically said that the baby just eats, sleeps, and "shhhh" then giggled. So, I think Chinese mothers basically start this "shhh"thing pretty early, like immediately. Although diapers are sold in China, they are only really used in the winter months. When its not freezing outside, you will catch sight of many bare bums. I've posted earlier about my love of Chinese babies in split pants. To that end, let me share with you an update- I finally captured a picture of the elusive baby butt! This was taken in the Chongqing airport and is quite possibly one of my favorite vacation pictures.

After relating my story about boys pretending to pee in the middle of class to a friend, she told me that even grown boys think "shhh" is funny. She told me that one night when she was out to eat with some Chinese friends, they were sitting in a booth, and one guy on the inside had to go the bathroom, but the boys wouldn't let him out. Instead they all went "shhhh". I guess it's like talking about the gushing water at Niagara Falls when someone has to go, only a hundred times worse because people have been conditioned here since infancy that "shhh"means pee. I only wish I knew this earlier!

Christmas in China

If you think the commercialization of Christmas is bad in the US, imagine what it's like to celebrate Christmas in a country that doesn't believe in Christ! Christmas is literally a day to go shopping here. All the stores are decorated with Santa Claus and Christmas trees, but Chinese people are not Christian, so they don't understand the real meaning of the holiday.

Even all the myths and traditions of Christmas are unknown here. Chinese people call santa "Father Christmas" or "Christmas Old Man"- they don't even call him "Santa Claus". The girl I tutor never heard of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or the North Pole- well she knows what the North Pole is, but she doesn't believe that's where Santa and his elves live. It was a really interesting experience to try to explain the story of the birth of Jesus in the manger and the three wise men to a Chinese friend.

Since we work at a "Foreign Language School", our school held a Christmas pageant. My American friends and I were made to sing a song in Chinese in front of the whole school. Our singing debut made the front page of the local newspaper, the Zhangjiagang Daily:

(PS. Thanks for the Christmas hat with the Mickey Mouse ears, Mom. It was a big hit with the 2nd graders)

Our Christmas pageant was Friday the 23rd. Later that night we got even more into the Christmas spirit, when the club we went to was decked out with decorations, including a fake snow machine:

The best part about my Christmas experience in China, though, was attending church. More or less, my impression is that the Chinese government doesn't allow churches for Chinese people. This isn't a big deal for most Chinese people though, because they are not Christian. There are a few churches in bigger cities for Chinese people, but churches must be registered with the government. Proselytizing is not allowed.

That being said, there are no Chinese churches in ZJG, however, since there is a large population of Korean people in our city, there are two Korean churches.

There are a lot of Koreans in ZJG because they own and run a lot of the factories outside the city. The school I teach at has a Korean department, and I teach a 4 Korean students English everyday. The mother of one of my students heard my friends and I were looking for a church, and she invited us to attend her church for the Christmas Day service.

The "church" was a couple of small rooms on the 4th floor of a random building, nestled in behind some restaurants off the main road. There were no signs, because the Chinese government doesn't allow them.
Of course it doesn't matter where you worship, but I've never been to a service outside of a church, so it was an interesting experience. Although there are no signs outside, the church managed to have stained glass put it. I wonder if they smuggled it in, haha (see picture below).

The congregation was small, but very friendly. The pastor knew some foreigners would be attending ahead of time, so he had his sermon translated. Most of the Koreans know some English, but the service was in Korean. The children did a couple performances, they even played the bells. The pastor played the saxophone, another man played the accordion, and some other foreign teachers from the Philippines did a dance. It was a lovely service, and made me feel like I was home. I forgot to mention, its a Methodist church- which is what I attend at home. We were even invited to stay and eat with the congregation afterwards:

Escaping class

A couple of weeks ago, out of 45 students, 16 students were missing from my sophomore class. A couple students were actually running out of the class when I arrived- so much for subtlety. The remaining students told me that the missing students had choir practice....


Being not too far removed from my time as a student, I knew they were lying. All the misbehaved students are not in choir! I had someone write down all the missing students names, in Chinese, to show their head teacher.


After class I went to the Chinese teacher's office and showed someone my list. They said, "Oh, last period is the worst, all the students have activities and miss class". Unconvinced, I told another Chinese teacher, but never got the list of names to her. Apparently I didn't need to. I made quite an impression on the students.


The next class not a single student was missing. I gave the students their exam as planned and at the end of the class I received a flurry of letters, one more hilarious than the next. The students apologized for skipping my class. Here are some excerpts:


"I'm sorry for escaping class. My English is poor and I don't have much English knowledge." -Charles


"I'm a naughty boy. I like playing basketball. When I saw a lot of students went outside I can't help following them. I'll work harder then. I don't know what to write...." -Venn


"I'm sorry that I escape from your class as a result of my poor spoken English." -Eudora


"I will show you another me in next lesson. That's all. I hope you can forgive me." - unsigned


"Now I've realized that being absent from foreign teacher's class is nothing good to me. I just lose an opportunity  to improve my English. The foreign teacher's class is the only class that we can learn and have fun at the same time. Also, it is the class that we don't have endless homework." - Shaw


"Before class, some people in the classroom said they would go out of the classroom because they thought your class was very boring. Someone asked me to go out of the classroom and I agreed. I really regret going out. I feel ashamed that I didn't respect you." -Joy


"We are students and listening to our teacher is our duty." -Tale


One student titled their letter "My self-criticism", and another signed their letter, "Yours, wrong student". Out of all the letters, only one student attempted to write my name, and that person spelled it wrong.


I have to say that Chinese students are incredibly hard working. During the week, they attend class from 7:30 am until 9:00pm at night. They also have class on Sunday afternoons. They have no social life whatsoever. I was actually surprised that the students cut my class because their Chinese teachers are so strict, but as a "foreign teacher" I am not as intimidating. All in all, I think the students learned their lesson. And if more than three students are missing from any of my future high school classes, I'll be taking attendance!


On another note, you can see from the excerpts above that my students have chosen some odd English names. In second grade, the students are assigned names by their teachers. I believe the teachers use a list of names from the 1920s. I have many students named Fanny, Betty, Dorothy, Percy, Greta, Stella, and Shirley.


In high school, the students are allowed to choose their own English name. In one class I have one student named Cloudy and another student named Rainbow. Other personal favorites include: Camera, Meepo, Echo, Cico, Mars, Purple, Verse, and Cassipeia. The students truly believe that these are mainstream English names, despite my insistence otherwise.


Just last week, one of my students approached me about changing his name. His name was John, but he is henceforth known as Obama. I tried to ask him if he wanted to be Barack, since that's the president's first name, but I'm not sure he understood, so I said Obama was okay, while suppressing laughter.


But I saved the best for last. One of my students is named Lucifer! I could make him change it, but I love it too much when I get to call on him in class.

hello laowei

Despite what you may have heard not all Chinese people speak English, especially not outside the major cities.

Most Chinese people know how to say "hello" and if they are brave, they will say it to your face, followed by giggling of the school girl type.  For example,  a grown man says "hello!" then "hehehehe". On your average afternoon out, you might get 3 to 5 "hello"s. Alas, many people are not so brave, so instead all you hear is "wai guo ren" or "laowei", both meaning foreigner.

Yes, being white attracts a great deal of attention. Mostly it results in people staring, unabashedly. It takes some getting used to. In America, if someone was staring at you, you'd think it was rude. Also, you might think something was wrong- something in my teeth? a kick me sign on my back? What the hell is so interesting??? But not to worry, they like to stare just because you're different. And it is not meant to be rude. Most days, I'll indulge them in a hello or a quick hi and a smile.

But, I'm not always in the best of moods. And if you thought staring was annoying, worse yet is when people take your picture- without asking. Don't get me wrong, sometimes people will ask. If a little kid comes up to ask for a photo, I don't usually say no. However, I am not always so indulgent. When a twenty-something adult male was making a video of my friends and I in the Nanjing Massacre Museum- without asking, I was straight up angry! In this particular case, not only was it rude to me, it totally disrespected the sanctity of the museum, which honors the loss of hundreds of thousands of Chinese people at the start of WWII.

Not to say that I'm not guilty of trying to take pictures of Chinese people, but at least I try and do it with some subtlety and in more appropriate situations. There is one picture I've been trying to capture since I came to China- and that is a Chinese baby butt. Let me explain! Most, probably 95%, of chinese babies do not wear diapers, at least when the weather is above 50 degrees. Instead, they are dressed in split pants, so when nature calls, their mothers can squat them down on the nearest sidewalk to do their business. (An aside- Be careful where you walk! That puddle is not water!) Chinese babies really are adorable, and I think their butts sticking out of their pants are the funniest and cutest things ever. It's especially funny when the mother is holding the baby with her arm under the butt, so you just see a little bit of cheek. Anyway, I haven't captured a butt on film yet. I just cannot go up and just snap a picture without asking and my many stealth attempts to get a picture without the parents noticing have been unsuccessful.

I hope to eventually share a picture with you, but if you want to see what I'm talking about, just google image "chinese baby split pants". I promise you will not be disappointed.